Ashes to ashes

Coffin shaped like cigarette pack

When a press release starts: “At comparethecoffin.com we have had many unusual requests”, you simply must read on. So that’s exactly what our resident coffin-dodger did. Turns out that comparethecoffin does exactly what it says on the casket, supplying what it calls “high-quality coffins, direct to the public at significantly better prices than funeral directors.” The scourge of Co-op Funeralcare, no doubt.

Anyway, the reason why these dealers in death had gotten in touch with the auld yin was not to see if he was in the market for one of their fine wares, but just to let him know about one of the more unusual requests they had just received for a tailor-made coffin.

The company was allegedly contacted by one Sameera from Manchester who was looking for something for her mother, Hazel – who is still with us, by the way. Hazel smokes. In fact, Hazel smokes quite a lot, and her brand of choice is the old Benny Hedgehogs. Working with Sameera, the company set about knocking together a touching little coffin for Hazel – only to be told by B&H owner JTI that they weren’t happy with the idea of having their brand linked with a dead chain-smoking Mancunian, even if she isn’t dead yet.

Not a company to be put off by minor setbacks like trademark infringement however, Comparethecoffin duly reworked the branding a bit and UTC thinks you will all agree that there could be no chance of readers mistaking this Hazel-sized gold Hedges & Benson coffin for a popular brand of premium cigarettes.

As a final touch of class, the company is also making a scatter-tube to look like an individual cigarette so that Hazel’s ashes can be scattered at a location of the family’s choosing after her cremation.

Now all that’s required to bring the heart-warming story to a conclusion is Hazel’s demise.

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