Under The Counter’s arthritic fingers were failing to get the lid off a jam jar when Mrs UTC alerted him to TikTok’s latest viral health hack: curing heartburn with Love Hearts rather than Rennies.
Despite thinking he’d be better watching shortform content of breathless millennials sharing their jar-opening genius, the Auld Boy was nevertheless intrigued. Unsurprisingly, given his diet of fry ups, lager, dodgy kebabs, more lager, and all manner of gut-churning scran that would have an urban seagull reaching for the Gaviscon, it’s fair to say that UTC suffers from the occasional bout of acid reflux.
Even more unsurprisingly, SLR’s stingiest of seniors hates forking out a fiver for a packet of edible chalk, so he leapt (not literally) at the chance to save some coppers while also having a plausible science-based reason for stuffing swedgers into his gub.
And what, precisely, is the science? According to Mark McShane, who’s something to do with food safety, Love Hearts are made from sodium bicarbonate, which, when combined with the sugar and citric acid also found in the Swizzels stalwart, creates a fizzy reaction in the mouth that some users say settles the stomach.
So, purely in the interests of investigative journalism – and most certainly not because he had recently consumed a dodgy kebab “confiscated” from an urban seagull – UTC popped an entire roll of Love Hearts.
The result? Washing them down with a can of full-fat Irn Bru certainly precipitated a fizzy reaction, but the Auld Boy’s heartburn blazed unabated.
SLR’s legal counsel advised us to say that no part of this article constitutes medical advice; we only recount it in the hope that retailers might rack up some incremental confectionery sales. If you do have heartburn, take a proper tablet. It’s not hard, unlike trying to open a jam jar.
