Under The Counter went on a study tour to Spain recently. He didn’t really; Mrs UTC dragged him to Gran Canaria in her annual fruitless bid to get a bit of colour into his wizened frame.
Given that the Auld Boy spends most of his time either in SLR Towers pretending he’s working, in a betting shop pretending he’s winning, or in a public house pretending he’s forgotten his wallet, it’s little wonder his skin is two shades paler than a pint of milk.
Indeed, this aversion to daylight combined with his hyperextended longevity have led some to speculate that his full name is Under The Counter Dracula. Which, of course, is nonsense; no self-respecting vampire sticks his teeth into a glass of water every night.
The other thing UTC sticks his teeth into regularly is confectionery. It was for this reason he found himself outside a trusty Spar store in Puerto Rico seeking out his favourite holiday treat, a big bag of Haribo Tropifrutti.
Pausing only to marvel at the cigarette machine at the store’s entrance, the Auld Boy doddered inside in search of sweeties.
He was stopped in his tracks, however, by what appeared to be big bottles of liquid Viagra gracing the store’s shelves.
Thinking – erroneously, as it transpired – that Mrs UTC would be thrilled to receive one as a wee holiday treat of her own, the Auld Boy was – as usual – confounded by the paralysis of choice. Should he plump for the Grade A Horn Syrup or go for the option with the more Ronseal approach to erectile dysfunction?
