UTC was left dumbfounded once again last month when he learned of an Asda shopper who clearly found a trip to his local supermarket more stimulating than the auld yin does when Mrs UTC drags him out of the bookies to go and do the big shop.
A certain Mr Timothy McTighe, 51, was caught, in the words of the Evening Times website, “performing a sex act on himself in the car park while his wife was shopping in Asda”.
In his defence, it was Valentine’s Day, so perhaps he was simply flushed with love and amorous thoughts – although the dog that was sitting in the car next to him was unlikely to have found the show very edifying.
His lawyer, a man by the unlikely name of Ed Fish, explained that “one thing had simply led to another” and then pulled out the old classic defence. Timothy, said Fish, “had been suffering from an undiagnosed medical condition causing pins and needles and numbness in his limbs.” The oldest chestnut in the book. But when you’re caught with your trousers at your ankles, in this case literally, any excuse is better than none.
The auld yin had surprisingly little to say on the matter.