Under The Counter doesn’t usually bother with job ads but he slouched a little less at his desk when he saw Laphroaig was looking for a new Global Brand Director.
Now, the Auld Boy loves drinking whisky – especially if someone else is on the bell – so this sounded like a career opportunity that was right up his ancient alley.
Skipping past the corporate eyewash about “transforming experiences” and “the timeless DNA of the brand,” UTC jumped – as much as his arthritic frame would permit – straight to the qualifications and competencies.
University educated? The Auld Boy is the proud owner of a BSc, garnering a Bronze Swimming Certificate as a pyjama-clad lad – after heroically retrieving a rubber brick from the deep end of his local council pool.
International experience? UTC has been a proud Scotland supporter since 1873 and has belted out ‘We’ll be coming’ at many an international fixture.
Experience within premium spirits? Plenty experience of premium spirits within him, but aye, whatever.
Proven experience in managing multi-dimensional projects? He once assembled a flatpack Ikea bookcase over the course of an exceptionally long weekend. There is no proof, however, since the bookcase dismantled itself over a much shorter timescale as soon as Mrs UTC tried to house her Catherine Cookson novels in it.
A frankly delusional Auld Boy believes Laphroaig won’t find a more uniquely qualified candidate. However, unlike his rubber brick rescues, we advise him not to hold his breath.
